When we were born we were so surprised that most of us did not speak for almost a year and a half.However, those who took care of us had plenty to say. parent's, family, friends, neighbours, teachers and many others colored our worlds and our self image with words of warning such as 'dont, stop, you cant' and also words of disapproval such as 'shame on you', your stupid','bad boy',bad girl',following any mistake or mishap. All this was done for our own good.

It has been well documented that the ratio of one hundred remarks to five positive would be a fairly accurate figure to describe our earlier programming. 'Good girl',' good boy' were even considered positive comments, innocent sounding statements, but they carried damaging long term effects on children. Why, you may ask? because they immediately welded our self worth to our deeds, instead of keeping them worls apart.

It is through these verbal lens that generations of children grew up viewing their dwindling self esteem, as each mishap or mistake was made by them. how could they win? They developed egos that fought daily with their self esteem. This in turn resulted in children and young over-reacting to directions, discipline, or criticism of any kind, because each time they mistakenly believed their self image was being questioned istead of their behaviour.

This is exactly where R.A.G.S. can be turned into RICHES. The following is an example of how the system of relating works (for all ages, I may add). R stands for recognition of any or all efforts A stands for appreciation of same. G stands for gratitude, which depends on appreciation for its source. S stands for self esteem, the result of putting the above in operation. 
EXAMPLE: A student usually hands in essays that are not long enough. He/she is accustomed to hearing 'is that the best you can do? How do you expect to pass, let alone get an honour, with that kind of work?' Just pause for a moment and ask yourself what motivation a student can find in those remarks, how will they encourage him/her to improve. He/she feels you expect him/her to do badly, ignoring any effort made. This attitude is a lose/lose one. Student learns nothing from criticism and teacher gains nothing, except the dubious satisfaction of humiliating a young person.

 R.A.G.S. on the other hand, handles the situation differently.In this example we find that the teacher has recognised the student's shortcoming, namely not writing a long enough essay. Next, the teacher appreciates the effort by acknowledging specific areas i.e. strong opening. Teacher then expresses gratitude for students use of imagination, and effort, and ends with gentle constructive guidance and encouragement. 
EXAMPLE: Same scenario as above, but this time teacher holds up student's work. Smiling, teacher looks at student and says "John/Mary  I recognise the effort You have put into this essay and I appreciate it. I have read your work with great interest and I am very impressed with both the strong opening, which immediately caught my attention and also your choice of words to describe the event. I am grateful you  used such imagination and also your ability to point events so well with words. I found your description of the area excellent, especially the valley, where you stated 'it witnessed the history of three generations'. This is the type of strength  that will earn you the honour you deserve and I look forward to seeing more of the same. My one concern would be that if you end the essay too quickly, the whole story could suffer and that would be a pity. May I suggest therefore, that you bring the some strength to the ending as you did to the beginning, which will make a great piece of writing, even greater.

 Thank you JohnIMary - well done.'

 Ask yourself as a student, which type of example would you wish to receive on a daily basis in front of your classmates. Ask yourself how would that approach make YOU feel towards yourself and your work. In all honesty, do you believe the next essay submitted will be better, as student feels the seeds of pride in work emerge. This is a win/win situation. On the surface it appears that more time is consumed giving a constructive evaluation of work, as compared to some sharp put-down, but in time the results will produce a self motivated student, and class morale will soar. Speaking to adults and even elderly people about their school experiences, they repeatedly confirm that as bad as physical punishment was in school, verbal punishment left lifetime scars. Burning with humiliation, in front of a class, when a teacher remarks 'How can you be so stupid. Do you still not understand? Surely you should know it by now. 'Your sister always got an A'. 

These type of scars have left many many wonderful, sensitive people unable to develop their talents and potential. They have wound up phobic about failing in any area of their lives - whether its a job change, a promotion, relocation etc Many just pick a rut and live their lives in quiet desperation. Parents unwittingly buy into the idea that if they goad the child enough, he/she will produce good results. Comparisons between children is a method used, which breeds anger and resentment. For example a parent may say 'There's Mary after getting 95% in her test again and you wind up with just 60%. If you won't put the effort in, you can't expect good results. If your tests do not improve, you will only be allowed out one night a week, do you understand?' What the parent may not understand is that each child is unique: languages may come easily to one child, maths to another. Levels of retention are different, boys and girls levels of maturity vary. There are so many factors at work with each child, one just cannot and should not compare.Parents must RECOGNISE these differences, APPRECIATE the problems they present, show GRATITUDE for the effort put in and not base gratitude on results. Each child should compete ONLY with him\herself and not any OTHER student or family member. With these attitudes the child's self esteem will increase and he/she will take pride in his/her own work and reach a far higher level of achievement, than criticism will produce. 

Ambrose Pearch has said 'When Eve saw her reflection in the pool, she called Adam and accused him of infidelity'. We too in life fail to recognise ourselves and chose to follow society's image of us. When we allow thieves into the camp of our own self image and self esteem, we too are guilty of infidelity to our own worth. When we accept put-downs, and criticisms received, internalise and personalise them, we have become thieves in our own camp. 

There is no duty we under rate so much as the duty to be happy. So many wonderful people I have met during my life, have only 'wormed themselves at the fires of others, but never lit their own'. Their level of happiness depends solely on others praise for them. They have never learned to give themselves recognition, appreciation, gratitude and their self esteem suffered as a result. 

Where and when can our true self image emerge confidently? When and only when we consciously stop, once and for all, allowing these daily hammer blows to pound the child within us to pieces. It is called 'inner child abuse' and it usually starts almost from birth by those taking "care' of us. Eventually we ourselves continue where others have left off.Social conditioning has not and cannot get it right, so we need to ask ourselves when will we STOP allowing it to be our judge and jury.  

 We, could start by RECOGNISING that we get our future attitudes from the messages we give ourselves TODAY. We have to remember we are not mass produced, but unique individuals, who foolishly spend most of our lives 'trying to be like others'. Surely it is staggering to deeply contemplate the fact that out of the entire population created from the beginning of time, there was never another me and never will be. We should celebrate our differences, not hide or apologise for them.'Reality is the hypnosis of social conditioning' Deepak Chopra warns. Lower self esteem forces us to listen to society's roar: 'conform'. 'don't rock the boat by marching to your own drum, listen instead to ours, and spend your life 'out of step'. We don't know who you are, but we feel we can tell you who to be, what to wear, how to feel, act, relate. "The self destructive image of perfection has lured so many good people into a lifestyle of misery. No matter what they do, it is never "good enough'- they are forever unhappy with best efforts, always caught up in results only. Television and magazines saturate society with an endless search for "perfection' that leaves in its wake a nation of people who don't know what they want, but are prepared to go to hell and back to get it. We could be so much more contented by appreciation of our best efforts, instead of rejecting them searching for perfection. This goes for jobs, home and relationships.

 It has been said that the greatest form of art is to improve the quality of one's day or that of another. I cannot honestly imagine a better way of doing this than to incorporate R.A.G.S. into each hour of each day in some small way. When we have tired repeating whatfails, why feel threatened to try what succeeds. 

If our generation will not take the time and effort to do so, why believe the next generation will be any different.Gandhi warned: 'There is more to life than increasing its pace. ' You and I can make a difference and using R.A.G.S. will bring us the riches that are long overdue in this world. Anne O'Brien is chairperson of the Parent's Council at CBS Callan, Co.Kilkenny